


No Details of the Investigation into the Incident of the Helicopter Collision at Night

by nyghtertale



Series: Decrypted Blood-Splattered Journal [2]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Diary/Journal, Episode Related, Episode: s01e01 Pilot, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-18
Updated: 2013-09-18
Packaged: 2017-12-26 22:24:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/970982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyghtertale/pseuds/nyghtertale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Last night I was woken by a deep voice whispering in my ear. It sounded exactly like J. Edgar Hoover impersonating my mother. She - or he - spoke for precisely four minutes and forty-four seconds, giving me directions on how to find the instructions for my first official assignment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Details of the Investigation into the Incident of the Helicopter Collision at Night

Last night I was woken by a deep voice whispering in my ear. It sounded exactly like J. Edgar Hoover impersonating my mother. She - or he - spoke for precisely four minutes and forty-four seconds, giving me directions on how to find the instructions for my first official assignment.

After walking my partner down to the school bus stop, I headed into the arroyo canyon as the night voice had instructed. At this early morning hour, the desert creatures were beginning to stir, hoping to catch some breakfast before the sun's heat caught them.

It took an hour of of searching, but I found the greyish rock shaped like an elephant head if squinted at from the right. A sage-green lizard lurked beneath, only the curl of its tail around the trunk showing. Per instruction, I took thirteen steps due north, nine steps due south, four steps due east, eighteen steps northnorthwest, and five paces counterclockwise. I now stood in a dry riverbed. A pigeon watched me from its perch on a nearby cactus.

I spoke the first code-word (“Hyperion”).

Another pigeon flew down to join the first, with much jostling and wing-flaring.

I spoke the second code-word (“Aloicious”).

Clouds gathered overhead, blotting out the sun and providing refreshing shade.

I spoke the third and final code-word (“[redacted]”).

When I came to, I was back at the start of the arroyo and a thin curl of paper was clutched in my hand. Ten dollars were missing from my wallet, although I did not learn that until later, when my partner and I were dining at Rico's and I went to pay for our large Hawaiian pizza and was short by $2.78. As we are not allowed to use the agency card for personal expenses (or, for that matter, where it might be seen by overhead satellites, Google StreetView cars, or people), this led to an exciting evening chase through Night Vale's streets. You may hear about it in tomorrow's news.

The story you won't be reading in tomorrow's paper is about a helicopter collision. A black stealth helicopter, which certainly does not belong to a vague yet menacing government agency, was not out searching for the third son of a South American dictator living under a false identity somewhere within a 50 mile radius of Night Vale, and did not collide with another helicopter of unknown provenence painted with complex murals of diving birds of prey.

My superiors wanted me to track down the other helicopter's operators and ensure they understood who had right of way in the sky, even if the helicopters they were to avoid were invisible to radar, normal vision, infrared, and all scanners manufactured within the nearest three solar systems. There is no excuse for accidents.

Those with the required clearance can read the details of my investigation by submitting a formal request through the proper channels (indelible black ink on black paper, folded in perfect thirds, and placed under your pillow on a Tuesday with a full moon). Be sure to specify which files you want:

Intelligence Activity Report (IAR) 24-567-8912: Details of the Investigation into the Incident of the Helicopter Collision at Night

  * Appendix A: Investigation of New Arrivals
    * Sub-Appendix A1: Non-Legal Search of Laboratory Premises
    * Sub-Appendix A2: Surveillance of Local Haircutters
  * Appendix B: The Search for the Base
    * Sub-Appendix B1: Math-Based Approach: If a stealth helicopter leaves a secret government base traveling east at 200 mph and another helicopter leaves its secret base...
    * Sub-Appendix B2: Logic-Based Approach: If I were a painted helicopter, where would I be?
    * Sub-Appendix B3: Luck-Based Approach: Analysis of 5 darts thown randomly at a map on the wall
  * Appendix C: Conversation with [redacted]
    * Sub-Appendix C1: Lessons Learned from Firing Experimental Laser Guns
    * Sub-Appendix C2: Ballistics Report
  * Appendix D: Deployment of Spatial Dematerialization Beam
    * Sub-Appendix D1: Recalibrating the Spatial Dematerialization Beam



On the positive side, our disinformation campaign blaming Desert Bluffs for the initial malfunction of the demat'er which caught a commercial airplane in its dematerialization field and spat it out in the gym appears to be a rousing success. Public feeling against them is spreading and we are all coming together as a community to rally behind our team.


End file.
